Sunday, May 27, 2018

Life at the center of every form of hate

If you don't like bitching then fuck off.

Sometimes I feel like my life is an endless waking nightmare. I am a bisexual, conservative /reactionary, former Scientologist, and atheist. There is literally no room in the world that I can walk into and not be hated. Survival means silence.

None of this is really chosen. We don't get to choose our beliefs, whether political or religious. And I was born into Scientology. I did not chose it — it chose me, and sexual orientation is not a choice either.

When I was in the Church of Scientology I knew that I would never pass muster. I knew gay men that Scientology had tried to cure, and their lives were an endless series of sessions with the Ethics Officer combined with hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on auditing trying to get cured. I knew from the start I would never be cured of anything, and that it was all a waste of time, but I wound up in the Ethics Department anyway writing endless confessions under the threat of disconnection from my family — MY HOMOPHOBIC FAMILY. Yes, I stayed in a cult and subjected myself to forced confessions in order to maintain relationships with what little family I still have, family that hate everything I am, family that would reject me if they knew what I was, family that still don't know, family that forced me into Scientology to begin with, family that recruited my mother into Scientology, indirectly causing her nervous breakdown and descent into schizophrenia — the family that ruined my childhood.

Both Scientology and reactionaries say that gays subvert the family.

I want to be liberal, but it's hard.

Liberals hate me for being conservative. It is impossible to hide your politics in an era of mass virtue signaling. Keeping my mouth shut isn't enough. The left expects me to actively espouse insane ideas that destroy people like me;

  • like importing mass quantities of homophobic Muslims
  • supporting corporate globalist slavery
  • supporting wage competition from immigrants
  • getting sterilized in the name of changing my gender
  • the abortion genocide waged against liberals
  • supporting the censorship of my own free speech
  • opposing gun ownership to destroy my rights

Reactionaries hate me for being degenerate. One of them once said to me, to my face, that he would put my sister in a concentration camp for her past opioid addiction.

I am supposed to support the destruction of my rights because a few mega-corporations are on the side of LGBT rights?

"Excuse me, you need to surrender all your rights because WE, THE TOLERANT ONES, are fighting for social justice. Oh, and don't worry. We'll never turn against you after we have achieved absolute global hegemony. Go ahead, just hand over your guns. Would you like some hormone therapy? Your medical insurance will cover that. No, we are not trying to sterilize your whole phenotype. Don't be paranoid! It's just a medical choice!
"And don't mind our opposition to Elon Musk. It's not like we are trying to cut off the only route of escape to our new global totalitarian corporate order, no! Can't let those polluting rockets raise global temperatures! We need to spend those resources breeding violent homophobic nogs so that you can live in an even more hostile environment!
"Why should you support this new global tyranny? Base vengeance! That's why. You will finally get even with those vile straight white males who oppressed the gays who came before you. Want to force a bigot to suck trannie cock for a promotion while making him sincerely swear it's a woman? YOU CAN DO THAT. Want to make those same bigots walk on egg shells in fear of a false rape accusation? Yep. You can do that too. Never mind that most of the accusations have been against liberal men. It's not like we use rape accusations to maintain party discipline. For 12 easy payments of YOUR SOUL you can be a corporate overlord and rule a team of white cucks. Doesn't that appeal to you? Don't you like sadism? What are you, some sort of integrity-fag?"

Why do more people not see through this scam?

It's so convenient that the left also supports fascist policies. What an amazing coincidence. On one side we have reactionaries that hate democracy, and the other conservatives who want to bomb the world/bring the world, and a third of so-called "leftists" who believe in neoliberal corporate tyranny. Oh how wonderful. Tyranny on all sides. Why am I not surprised.

On the other side;
"You should support the Nationalist revolution/restoration of monarchy. Yeah, we will genocide your gay ass (and your sister) the instant we gain a permanent hold on power, but don't you hate the Jews? Monarchy and concentration camps, that's the way goy!"

Weird how there are alt-right Jews, but I guess no weirder that reactionary bisexuals.

On the conservative side;
"Let's bomb Muslims. Isn't that fun?! Don't you like killing Towel Heads? Endless war for corporate profit is the way man! No, we won't legalize weed! God forbids it! Did you hear the news? We love FAGS now! See, we can evolve. In a few years we will be just like liberals."

Here's a thought. Why don't you take your own side?

LGBT people know that right wingers secretly hate them. That is why they support the immigration of violent homophobic Muslims, abortion, and everything else. The same can be said of feminists.

Democracy forces you to accept a number of evils so you can vote for the one thing you care about. They care about not being hunted down by Christian terrorist militias. If you are a reactionary you cannot honestly say that you would not sanction the hunting of gays. I know what you guys say — I was there when you wrote it. I might have even written it myself. Your inability to control your own hate will guarantee that you always provide a tremendous incentive for women, gays, and minorities to oppose you. They have to police you with virtue signaling. They have to oppress you with political correctness. The torch rally proves you are all a bunch of psychos who have to be kept down so that everyone you hate can survive. You simply have no ability to just leave people the fuck alone. Your commitment to the non-aggression principle is only millimeters deep, and will evaporate as soon as you have any measurable and unchallenged power. Even when you just FEEL powerful at a goddamn tiki torch rally you show your Golem face. Everyone knows it, and sees it, even if you can't because you are literally wearing your own face.

This is who you really are.

Reactionaries have this weird perception of themselves. They all believe themselves to be these deeply moral, erudite, and excessively rational intellectuals. But you meet them in person as a group, and you find out that many have criminal records, use racial epithets carelessly, hate women, hate gays, and have fashy haircuts. It's one thing to read someone use the term "degenerate" on a screen — quite another to hear it spoken aloud. Meeting reactionaries in person was hugely eye opening, and held a mirror up to myself I badly needed to see.

I needed to see what I looked like from the outside. I needed to see what my hateful opinions were doing to my face, how they were twisting my expressions and making me look like a complete troglodyte. After every reactionary meeting I left feeling vaguely terrified about what would happen if these people ever gained political power, and I learned that it was I who needed to change more than the world. Oh yes, the world was fucked up for sure. Pushing children to change their gender is an absolute wrong, but this was not about that. It was not about the objective fact of what the world was becoming, but the objective fact of what I was becoming in relation to the world. Everyone needs to see their own hate from the outside, and I saw it, regretted it, and decided that I needed to change myself.

Can you see now why I HATE?

I HATE, AND HATE, AND HATE. . . It is impossible not to hate when you have absorbed so much of it from others. I hate you all. I hate humanity. And you deserve it. Every last one of you.


  1. I'm a Nazi Jewish Pedophile. (Sort of) We all have our own issues, m8.

  2. I know Jordan Peterson is being called out as aglobalist leftist in some quarters of the altright nrx world. Yet I think you would benefit from sitting down and watching his “Personality and it’s transformations” lectures. Then take his Understanding Myself 5 factor evaluation or if you don’t want to spend the 10 bucks go to Haidt’s My Morals site and take the free 5 factor test. This will give you an accurate framework to work out of going forward. Then I would drop the cash on Peterson’s future authoring module. It will clarify a lot of stuff and help you go forward, hopefully out of your nihilism. I found it a good experience and helpful. I realize Peterson isn’t a friend of the dissident right but I think this set of lectures was the most helpful.

  3. "I learned that it was I who needed to change more than the world." Wise words. For you, for me, for everybody. I like to comment about what is fucked up in the world but, at the end of the day, we only can change ourselves. It is a pity you are atheist, as I was, because religion gives you proven tools to do that. Maybe it's time to stop worrying about the world and focus on yourself

    1. The only relevant religion that isn't nihilistic (be it through it refusing to embrace the world ala Buddhism or seeing the world as ruined and needing change ala Islam) is Confucianism.

    2. Glad you still read my blog. Haven't heard from you in awhile.


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