This is a nicer version of an earlier essay that keeps costing me followers. I have softened the language without removing any of the necessary factual descriptions. There is no use in posting something if the intended audience is not willing to read it. My normal mean edginess is not the ideal delivery mechanism for a sensitive topic. The medicine was too bitter. This essay is the second edition of the first, the second coming of the essay (pun intended).
It usually starts with a real injury. A woman gets involved with a man who's only interested in her physically, and once that becomes clear, she's left worse off than before.
The natural response to that kind of experience is to come away harder and more guarded than one went in, and I don't think that's a character flaw. A more defensive, less trusting posture toward the opposite sex is just what tends to happen to anyone, of either sex, after being used and discarded.
But the problem is that men encountering her afterward don't see the history behind that guardedness. They only see the guardedness itself, and a common, if unfair, inference from that surface impression is that she'd be hard to build something real with, and therefore not worth the effort of anything beyond something casual.
The inference has a selection effect built into it. If the men most willing to tolerate a guarded, high-friction demeanor are disproportionately the ones who weren't planning on sticking around anyway, then the pool of men actually pursuing her skews further toward exactly the kind that confirms her original fear.
That's where the loop closes on itself. Repeated exposure to men who only want something casual deepens the very bitterness that produced the pattern in the first place. That deeper bitterness gets read by the next round of men the same way, which narrows the pool of genuinely interested men even further, until nearly everyone left is either uninterested in anything serious, or hesitant even about anything casual, because by this point her attitude is so obvious she wears it on her sleeve.
At the extreme end, the situation reaches an almost paradoxical place: the men who once would have used her for nothing but sex now hesitate even to do that, because the difficulty of dealing with her has come to outweigh the appeal of a purely physical encounter. The most extreme version of the dynamic is the fuckboy too afraid of being "me-too-ed" to even shoot his shot. Her attitude has finally accomplished the task of protecting her from injury, and protects her from all genuine interest as well.
The whole time, from her side, this doesn't feel like a trap closing. It feels like self-protection working exactly as intended. This is it's tragic character.
The more defensive and confrontational she becomes, the more each new instance of that defensiveness gets read, internally, as proof that the defenses are necessary and doing their job. That's part of why the cycle is so hard to interrupt once it starts, and men asses a woman on the basis of whether they think they can build a life with her, and if she allows bad experiences to make her judgy, quick to anger, manipulative, or otherwise unpleasant to be around then they judge her as too unpleasant for marriage. Afterwards the types of men she encounters will skew heavily towards pure sexual interest, and trapping her in "Penis Land."
There's an alternative story available too — that she isn't the one being used at all, that she's the one extracting what she wants from these encounters on her own terms. Either narrative, victim or in-control, serves the same function: it lets her keep her guard up without ever examining whether the guard itself is the problem.
Whichever story she settles into, the common thread is that these experiences leave her with no real motivation to study or understand men as a category. Without that motivation, she has no way of figuring out why this keeps happening to her specifically, and she never sees the cycle for what it is — a loop her own defensive posture helps sustain, not a fixed feature of how all men behave toward all women.
Here's a distinction that's easy to miss: the men still willing to engage with her generally aren't rejecting her as a person. They may be genuinely attracted to her. What they don't want is the particular personality that got shaped by earlier bad treatment — the suspicion and defensiveness that other men installed, not something inherent to her.
That's hard to see from the inside, and it produces two related confusions: why some men seem to prize a lack of emotional baggage in a partner, and why, if men's collective behavior created this problem, men don't just stop behaving badly.
There is this phrase that a straight woman is the only being that must date her only natural predator. I would offer a mirrored absurdity for men, that being a straight man means getting evaluated and often dismissed, based on the basic biological fact of male desire, as though the desire itself were a character defect rather than a baseline. A straight man must endure being judged by the only being that can satisfy his appetite.
Men have a real, recurring desire for intimacy, and a relationship that consistently fails to meet that need is going to be under strain no matter how good the emotional connection otherwise is. This tracks something real in how sexual motivation functions neurologically, it behaves like other basic drives, not like a preference that can simply be argued away.
The second need is the ordinary relational one that respect, honesty, shared effort, the daily partnership two people building a life together actually require, independent of anything physical. That layer works the way any healthy relationship works — it depends on mutual respect and on neither person using intimacy as a tool of control, reward, or punishment. Many women act like equal effort is an imposition, keeping score and minimizing how much they do for their partner. This backfires spectacularly and Reddit is filled with endless AITA (am I the asshole) threads of relationship misers telling each other to dump their boyfriends. Keeping score doesn't work (for either sex) because we overlook things our partner has done for us while counting things we did that were not even wanted by the other person. Everyone who keeps score maintains an unbalanced ledger in their own favor.
The physical component isn't optional or secondary. It's a real, recurring requirement that has to be met on an ongoing basis, not addressed once and considered settled. There are overweight and/or elderly men who are impotent and less desirous of sex, but the standard behavior is to interpret impotence as rejection and reject them in turn, rather than see them as an opportunity for a relationship with low pressure to have sex, ideal for a woman with a low sex drive. Pornography has a custom people to think that a couples sex life should be insatiable, and while that's probably true in their twenties it's not in their forties, and the extreme sex preoccupation is the modern reversal of the other extreme of "procreative sex only."
But most relationships require ongoing, reliable attention to both partners' needs, not a one-time investment followed by neglect. This is especially true if the couple is young and in shape. Male sexual and emotional needs are real and don't disappear just because they're inconvenient to acknowledge, and a pleasant, respectful attitude is largely a function of mutual respect and the more hostile or defensive someone's attitude becomes, the faster things slide toward the isolating trap I described above. That cuts both ways, too. Men have to maintain a good attitude and some measure of toughness to make relationships work, same as anyone. Relationships actually require a tad bit of professionality from both sexes.
Carrying resentment from past relationships into a new one, or using affection as leverage, undermines any relationship, regardless of who's doing it. Consistent, resentment-free follow-through is what a functioning partnership actually requires from both people in it.
Sex and the broader relationship are experienced by men as genuinely separate things, not one continuous thing, and treating intimacy and partnership as separable needs, rather than one thing purchased with the other for neglected at the expense of the other, is a reasonable description of how successful relationships actually function.
Most men aren't tolerating a partner purely to get something out of it. Most men genuinely want a warm, mutually respectful relationship for its own sake, to be liked and cared about, but they want their needs met without the proverbial food being poisoned by entitlement or bad attitude.
There's nothing inherently wrong with male sexuality. It's a fact of biology, not a moral failing, and treating a basic drive as shameful doesn't actually help anyone navigate it more wisely. The red herring of liberalism is treating everything as a moral issue, which falsely presumes that everything can be overcome with moralizing. Reality is the thing that doesn't change when you close your eyes. It's very nature is a disagreement with the make-believe of humans. Treating male sexuality as something to banish or ignore is genuinely harmful to both members of a couple, because treating any unmovable reality as a moral issue is harmful, and lazy. Most people in our culture ignore observation in favor of moral reaction and this harms both them and society all their lives.
Natural selection tends to produce close to the minimum machinery necessary for a given function, not more elaborate systems than required. Applied to human mating, something close to a baseline exchange of attention offered in return for intimacy represents something like evolution's minimum viable arrangement for getting people to pair up and reproduce. Exchange relationships like this show up throughout the animal kingdom, and I think it's fair to say that certain emotional needs for connection, attention, security, are stronger in women than men in order to compliment the stronger sex drive in men. Each sex is a puzzle piece that fits into the other, however imprecisely. Nature crafts mutual dependency in order to force the sexes together. Nature make sure there's something you can only get from the opposite sex.
None of this is personal. The shapes don't have to fit together precisely to function well enough. Loneliness, sex drive, the need to be heard, none was chosen, it was built in by evolutionary forces.
Here's a real and useful observation, though: traits that evolved to help people form pair bonds can, past a certain intensity, start actively working against forming a stable relationship at all.
Defensiveness that goes far enough stops protecting and starts isolating. Taken to its logical end, someone whose defenses have become too intense to allow a stable partnership will, in evolutionary terms, simply fail to reproduce, ending up either not partnering at all, or partnering unsuccessfully in a way that leaves her raising children without a stable co-parent. The general fate of a woman who develops an unpleasant attitude and gets trapped in Penis Land is to either become a Spencer or a single mother. This does not mean that every single mother is trapped in Penis Land, or has a bad attitude. These are approximately overlapping categories and not absolutely the same.
Human mating psychology evolved under conditions where men held more relative power and leverage over women than they generally do today. When birth control removes much of the pressure that used to shape women's mating decisions, some women, no longer needing to negotiate reproduction the way earlier generations did, end up making choices, under that new freedom, that don't lead to reproducing at all. I don't think that's a claim about anyone being irrational; it's a claim about incentives that no longer point where they used to. Are instincts evolved in one environment and now must confront a radically alien environment where the instincts no longer function.
The The evolutionary mismatch theory is the single most useful lens for understanding a lot of modern dysfunction around relationships. In fact I'd go so far as to define economics, informally, as the study of how the technological environment humans have built is incompatible with the psychology they evolved with. Economist would define it as the study of scarce resources in the face of unlimited wants, but really it is the study of system alien to human intuition. This is the reason humans consistently misjudge the systems they find themselves in, and the reason their advice to each other about relationships is so consistently awful.
Take a concrete example: a conventionally attractive man using dating apps to accumulate a large number of casual encounters, none of which produce children. His instincts, evolved in an environment without reliable contraception, register that as enormous reproductive success. By the only measure biology actually cares about he isn't succeeding at all. A lot of men, driven by drives that made sense in an ancestral environment but backfire today, end up prioritizing short-term sexual success in ways that don't serve their long-term interests in the modern one. He ejaculates into latex bags but never perpetuates his family line. There's a mirrored version on the other side. Hypergamy, women's attention concentrating on a narrow band of highly desirable partners, running on the same mismatched logic, chasing a small cohort of extremely attractive men who will never commit to her, and also failing to reproduce as a result. In both cases technology is creating an alienated environment where impulses are mismatched to reality.
I think a woman's bitterness toward men is better explained by this broader mismatch between evolved psychology and modern technology and incentives, than by some innate defect in men as a category. Moreover, she's going to have to do something her instincts aren't involved to do, view herself as having agency over the situation, and take control of that situation, and exercise responsibility over it. Since she evolved in a disempowered environment it is her nature to view herself as disempowered, even while birth control and women's rights have enormously increased the scope of her available power, her instincts have not caught up. Notice that so many women do not hold themselves accountable or view themselves as agentic. Observe in fact that women's sense of accountability for themselves has actually diminished as their power has risen. This is a dramatic example of The evolutionary mismatch where evolved programming clashes with an alien environment.
The real cause is structural and recursive, and must be explained properly. Media, education, and pop psychology are supposed to help people navigate this mismatch, but the people producing that content are living inside the same mismatched, evolutionarily unfamiliar environment as everyone else. A journalist or a curriculum writer or a popular commentator isn't operating from some vantage point outside the system, they are subject to the same modern incentives, the same social pressures, and the same confused feedback loops as their audience. One cannot understand a system from inside the logic that system produced. When people try to address social problem, the social problem is not just shaping their environment but shaping their entire attitude towards their environment. It's human to rationalize the circumstances you find yourself in, but needless to say, you cannot transcend a thing that you rationalize. As Einstein would say, "we cannot solve our problems at the same level of thinking when we created it." If knee jerk instincts and emotional reactions are keeping you alienated, then knee-jerk instincts and emotional reactions will not let you step outside the trap you are in and transcend it. People think it's all a moral issue but you think that because in a tribal environment you can change your society with moral arguments. The instinct doesn't work anymore since the system is too large for coordination. The most effective approach is to carefully observe how your own instincts are being used against you by the machine and then modify your approach in order to succeed at your goals.
That's what makes the problem recursive. Institutions that are supposed to correct for the mismatch between evolved psychology and modern conditions often end up amplifying it instead, because the people running those institutions are themselves disoriented by the same mismatch, usually without realizing it. Bad advice about relationships doesn't need a coordinated conspiracy to spread, it just needs the people producing cultural norms to be, on average, no more insightful about this mismatch than the people consuming them, working inside institutions that reward simple, emotionally satisfying stories over accurate but uncomfortable ones. That's what makes it genuinely hard to escape: if the sources you'd normally turn to for a clearer picture are themselves generated from inside the same distorted environment, there's no obviously trustworthy outside vantage point to correct from. You cannot see past a system's blind spots using cultural tools the same system produced, you cannot overcome a society's problems using the values that society handed you. And emotional self-regulation is essential when a systems awful logic operates three steps ahead while you emotional reactions limit you to one step of logic.
Some strands of feminist thought push people toward believing the sexes are far more similar than they actually are, which produces a real and specific kind of resentment, resentment toward sex differences even in people who, intellectually, know perfectly well those differences exist. Ask yourself who's more culpable here: the ideology that teaches someone to resent an immutable difference, or the difference itself? I'd put the blame on the teacher and not the underlying biological fact, since only one of those two things is actually capable of being wrong or of changing. Someone frustrated that men aren't more like women is really reacting to an ideology that told her they should be, not to men's actual nature, which was never going to match that expectation in the first place. The college professor that promotes notions of sameness is destructive, not the differences themselves.
A woman who studies male psychology seriously, instead of avoiding the subject out of resentment, gains something real from it and gets much better at understanding and navigating the men she's interested in. The think-pieces, the self-help content, dating advice, and media narratives — were produced by people working inside the same mismatched environment, with the same blind spots, and often no more reliable a guide than instinct alone. Sometimes less, and since instinct will lead you astray in an alien system a messenger telling you to double down on your instincts is telling you to self-sabotage.
There's nothing wrong with a natural process. It's on us to understand it and work with it rather than be at its mercy. Nature, to be commanded, must first be obeyed, as the old line goes. Refusing out of a kind of moral pride to understand how the other sex actually thinks is self-defeating and ends up hurts you more than it hurts them. Spite is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.
Feminists train others to literally take offense over men expressing what they need from a relationship. All feedback is received as rejection, all statements of need perceived as imposition, every little thing put on a ledger to keep score, and all through I need your cleanse that cannot see three steps ahead, cannot see outside of a machine it participates in. Cultural narratives move through ordinary institutional channels, schools, media, publishing, staffed by people caught in the same disorienting modern environment as everyone else.
Stable long-term partnership and avoiding raising a kid alone comes down, in large part, to how you evaluate someone before committing with the evaluating aimed almost entirely at one thing: reliability. NOT how much of your own difficult behavior he can absorb because in the initial stages of courtship difficulty is a red flag for men. Reliability, meaning, does he do what you need when you need it, will he pick up the kids from school, will he pay the bills. Most of your evaluating energy should go toward that with the lesser amount testing how much of your own hard edges he can tolerate. What you actually want to know is whether he's dependable and holds up under stress. Because deliberately provoking someone or withholding affection specifically to test for jealousy or resentment, isn't information gathering, it's manufacturing instability for no good reason, and it cuts against the more basic point about never treating intimacy as a bargaining chip. You'll learn what you need to know without engineering conflict.
Raising children is a relentless coordination and logistics problem, and it's essential to have a partner dependable enough to actually be there, to pick the kids up from school while you're at work, for instance. A man is asking himself certain questions when he's looking for a wife. He has himself, can I count on her? Will she show up when I need her to? Does she treat me with judgment and contempt? Does she nitpick me? Does she trauma dump all the time? Do I get a moment's peace? He needs someone he can count on, and someone who brings a not awful energy to the relationship. Most men's lives are pretty peaceful and boring. Most men have their act together pretty well and are emotionally self-regulated.
I think about something I witnessed years ago, back when I was doing retail security. A black female coworker had a complete meltdown on the phone one night because her child's father was threatening not to pick up their kid, using the threat as leverage in some unrelated argument between them. She couldn't leave the store and I wasn't allowed to fill in for her since security is not allowed to do retail. From what I understood, this wasn't a one-time thing with this guy. Or from my own experience when I once dated a girl who threatened to have an abortion in a hypothetical pregnancy because she found out I did not agree with her politics. You can wind up chained to a bad person for 18 years. Both the reproduction of the species and love itself depends on people being moral, because there is a certain point where things get awful enough that nobody wants to deal with each other or have children.
These behaviors are as unambiguous a marker of bad character as I can think of, and it's exactly what's worth screening for hard before a child is in the picture to be used that way, not after. It's the kind of dysfunction that becomes possible when a co-parent lacks basic moral character, and it's exactly why you don't want to end up permanently bound to someone whose character issues will keep producing harm long after any romantic feelings are gone. And children do not have access to your internal mind, your FEELINGS of love towards a child do not matter at all from their perspective. The child experiences love when you are reliable and experiences neglect when you are absent or unreliable. All that matters to them is your actions and words. Caring is taking responsibility, especially from a child's perspective, and a child who is abused or neglected will be uninterested in having children of their own. Why perpetuate your genetic line if it's only going to fail in the next generation? Raise the kid right or don't bother raising kids at all. If your abuse your children you probably will not have grandchildren.
Assessing a partner's character has to take priority over almost every other consideration when you're deciding whether to build a family with someone. The stakes are too high to operate on chemistry alone, and being drawn to partners who are exciting but genuinely reckless is a real risk worth taking seriously. This is especially true in a culture indicate like ours. Above everything else, the person you build a family with has to be moral, the kind of person who' would go to real lengths to help you in an emergency, and you have to hold yourself to that same standard of reliability and be someone worth being around as well.
Raising children well, and raising kids who grow up wanting children of their own, depends on a baseline of morality in parents, and losing that baseline is part of what causes societies to decline over time. Kids will be difficult in entirely ordinary ways with tantrums, complaints, and general unreasonableness (especially when they are teenagers). Feeling of love are simply not enough. What actually decides that is whether the parents involved are genuinely decent dependable people day to day.
So if there's one thing worth taking from all of this which is that the single most consequential thing a woman can do for herself and for the continuity of the society she's part of, is hold a firm moral standard for the men she chooses to build a family with. This is especially important since who she chooses to have sex with is a tremendous incentive in the culture itself and if her standards are based on frivolity she contributes to decay. The real function of religion is probably just to get women to choose better men and by choosing better men force men to be better. Men are the builders of society while women are the "populators." Every person you see, every person you meet was put here by a woman. Every brick and every stone and every ton of concrete was put here by a man. Oh sure there are exceptions to the rule, single dads who raise children and women who build, but there is a labor specialization between the sexes and if you want a better world you want better men. That all comes down to how they are raised and to what kind of man gets to pass on his genes. Even when genes are not a factor there is a tremendous cultural effect of women choosing one kind of man over another. That cultural effect is arguably more important than the genetic factor since a culture can rapidly decay faster than its genetics can. Hold the line and get a better world. There is no reason to tolerate moral decay around you. Think about it, why would you be tolerant towards criminals and abusers? You are extending compassion to people who would not return that compassion for you. Your casting pearls before swine. That is not noble, that is an engine of decay. The morality of sacrificing the in-group for hostile out group strangers and criminals makes everything worse even for the out-group members themselves. No one benefits more from moral standards than people with poor self control. You aren't even helping these people with your tolerance.
If a man only respects strength then all if should receive is abusive authority. This is the world living according to the morality he practices. "Rising above"is the same as generating decay and Christian morality is not something you get to selectively enforce. The commandment to not judge least ye be judged sits right alongside the statement that every word of the law will be fulfilled. And you are not to lean on your own understanding, a miserable practice which every liberal excels at. You don't get to pick and choose your verses. The real motive for excessive tolerance and forgiveness is just plain old cowardice and sloth.